After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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