i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
