the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
