I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
