just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
