i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize