don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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