How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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