Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
