U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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