Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
