I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
