remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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