he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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