her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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