there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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