I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
