i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
