Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
