I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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