his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
soo... how was my night?
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