Your favorite bartender is back from prision
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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