there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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