Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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