that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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