i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
