Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
