I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
