she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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