I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
