I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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