My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I need moral support for this bender
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
