He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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