I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
