is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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