sarcasm needs its own font
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
