Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
