Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize