My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
