My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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