let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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