Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
