Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
