every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
