i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
