Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
