we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
