drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
