Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
