my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
