i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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