Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
