My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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