he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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