New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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