i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
