Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
