rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
