nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Operation Purity has been aborted
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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