I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize